A Critical Analysis of the Holy Matrimony Quagmire for the Black Man and Black Woman

 

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From the Melanin Man:

How ironic I discuss this topic only a couple of days from my anniversary. But I feel the need to get this off my chest right now, so to hell with it.

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I haven’t been married that long. Most would assume that I need more years under my belt to be qualified to speak on the topic of marriage, to spit out some worthwhile wisdom.

Well, I beg to differ.

In the four years that I’ve been “officially” married (not counting two years of courting and breaking up, making up sessions), I’ve learned a lifetime’s worth of wisdom regarding this pastime called marriage. And that wisdom has been supplemented with even more knowledge from speaking with older men and elders who have been married (and some cases, divorced!) longer than I’ve been married.

I have observed many things within the confines of marriage, but there are three in particular that stand out to me, such as:

     1.    Man and woman (the definition of a authentic marriage) tend to come into the situation with  unrealistic expectations of who and what their spouse SHOULD be to them. When I decided go through my personal transformation, my wife was supportive when it came to improving my physical health and losing weight, even though she did not like the method that I was going about it. It was major adjustment for her when I dropped meat from my diet, and she continues to this day to remind me how she misses that part of me.

Regarding my intellectually and spiritual growth, she has had major reservations. Giving up religion and traditional concept of God has not gone over well for her. She does not fully respect my newfound opinions on what Black life should be, the importance of melanin, how life and reality is not what it seems, etc. She is weary of the direction that I am going.

2.        In this Westernized version of marriage,  it is virtually impossible to have a relationship (intimate or non-intimate) with the opposite sex, other than your spouse. Surprise, surprise. This one is a given. But if know anything about the nature of man, it is not the most realistic to maintain. Recently in my life, I have came across women who have intrigued me, not necessarily sexually, but mentally and spiritually in ways that have been comparable, and in some cases, more than what I have received from my wife.

And you know the funny thing? I don’t feel once ounce of guilt.

3.         The imagery of a marriage in this society matters a little too much these days. We know marriage will not be “perfect” from any stretch of the imagination. But that doesn’t stop married folk from putting on a front in the midst of family and friends. Everyone wants to play Keep Up With the Jones. Every married couple on some level seeks to strive for that white picket fence, “American Dream” fantasy. Competition, a sacred American tradition, is the sacred underlying factor in all of this.

I’ve never been the competitive type either. At this juncture in my life, I don’t give two flying you-know-whats about what people think about me. Now, my wife on the other hand…

She’s not materialistic whatsoever, but  she does have a very strong tendency to care about what others think about her, and that extends into the family unit. That appears to be a common trait amongst Westernized, Americanized women, no matter ethnicity.

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This Westernized, religified version of marriage serves as a microcosm to the current reality that dominates the scene, a restrictive condition to the true nature and potential of the archetypal Black Man and Black Woman.

As I stated in a post concerning the drawbacks of compromising, in reference to individual growth, when both spouses have totally different mindsets it creates problems.  I said it once, I said it twice, and I’ll say it again: MEN CREATE THE REALITY, WOMEN MAINTAIN IT! In my case, I have chosen a mindset that embraces my Black nature, and I desire to create the reality based off of it. My wife, like the majority of our Black women in this paradigm, has the mindset of what I explained in number 3 above (and here.)  And there is the dilemma.

I want nothing to do with that foolishness. It goes against everything that I’m trying to be as a Black Man who is becoming more aware by the millisecond. The sad part about it is that I truly and dearly love my wife, and there is potential in her to cross over into the dark side.

But love is NOT enough in this war for Black liberation.

Despite what has been preached by the state and its sheep, love and marriage are not synonymous with each other. Now, I understand why arranged marriages were prevalent and still occur to this day, basically because it’s not based off the superficiality of love we’ve been duped into practicing these days (Gotta check out “The Science of Love” by John Baines, folks!) Marriage SHOULD be considered a partnership, a business arrangement to achieve a common goal. In the case of liberation for the Black Man and Black Woman and a return back to their archetypal selves, marriage SHOULD be used as a weapon to achieve that goal.

For any other reason, we’re just playing a GAME, like any other card game, board game, or video game we’ve past the time with. That’s what the powers-that-be (or the powers-that-wanna-be) have turned it into, a profitable one on so many levels. And just like any game you play, you have boundaries, rules and regulations you have to abide by.

“NO CHEATING ON THE TEST.”

“NO CHEATING ON YOUR TAXES.”

“NO CHEATING ON YOUR SPOUSE.”

Aha!

 

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(Side note 1: I can do a post strictly on the word “cheat”, and how the powers-that-wanna-be use the label to keep people in check. I just might.)

I always wondered when it came to the topic of having affairs, mistresses, side chicks or side dudes, the accused would be cursed with that label.

 

 

Courtesy of Google  :

cheat

v.

1. act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage especially in a game or examination.

2. avoid (something undesirable) by luck or skill.

n.

1. a person who behaves dishonestly in order to gain an advantage.

 

 

A couple of questions:

1.     If you told your spouse upfront you  were having feelings or thoughts for another man/woman without physically acting on it, would you still be a “cheater?” 

The act has already been birthed in your mind, so the act has already occurred.  That’s what matters anyway…mind OVER matter, baby!

2.    Are you really cursed with sin because you had feelings for another man/woman besides your spouse?

(I’m telling you, you need to check out that book.)

Take a look at nature amongst animals. How many monogamous relationships do you find in the animal kingdom? “But man is greater than animal,” you say. “He should know better than.” Is that your ego talking or are you’re just  repeating what you’ve been told?

I can say with all honesty that the animal kingdom has an advantage. A tiger knows what it is. An eagle knows what it is. A bear knows what it is.

Do you know what you are, Black Man and Black Woman?

 

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Once upon a time long ago, when Black folk dominated the world stage,  polygamy was not a side-eye taboo. It was our culture. A few countries today still practice the tradition, but it’s not prevalent as it used to be. And definitely not in the regions of the earth that it should be in this day and age.

Every wonder why polygamy is illegal and shunned in the West (the dominant power at the moment?) IGNORE the propaganda, it just so happens the cream-of-the-crop Black Men and Women also reside in the West. Even though the majority of us are the walking dead, our genes are still  second-to-none on the planet. This is due in part to the times of “slavery”, with the mixing of blood between the different captive African tribes.

When the time comes when we WAKE UP (its happening as we speak in bits and pieces), and we practice that culture and walk out our destiny…

Oh…boy.

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The Black Man, who is connected to his archetypal self and knows HIS-story, has the capability to love more than one woman.  That same Black Man will not fool around with any woman outside of the one he already has if they are not of the same frequency, and if it does not perpetuate a reality of Black empowerment and unity that can benefit ALL PARTIES INVOLVED.

The Black Woman, who is connected to her archetypal self and knows her culture, understands and overstands that her worth is NOT determined by the ability to have and KEEP her man. The Black Woman knows her ability to nurture the spark of that man (his seed, which, in the physical form translates to children, and the mental and spiritual form translates to that reality mentioned previously) is of the upmost importance.

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In this paradigm, the state has used marriage in its limited form as a tool to keep not only Black folk, but the masses in general, docile, under control, and for accounting purposes. They have certainly made marriage an institution that is CONSUMERISTIC BY NATURE and only benefits those who wish to keep and maintain power.

What is one of the top reasons for divorce (which is another lucrative byproduct from marriage if and when it dissolves, concocted by the state?)

Finances.

A consumeristic marriage is a prosperous marriage in this reality.

Remember when I said marriage is only a “microcosm” on what occurs on the grand scale?

Can you imagine a marital union structure that doesn’t have to depend on fiat money to be successful? One where there was less competition and more cooperation and sharing amongst one another?

Less capitalistic and more collective?

LESS MONOGOMOUS AND MORE POLYGAMOUS???

Our husbands and wives would stop looking at each other as their property, and more like unique beings in the human form. 

(Side note 2: You apply this thinking in religion, it’s funny how the popular religions of today are styled in monotheism, versus polytheism that was prominent back in the day. Just saying…)

 

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I can go on and on about this, and there will probably be more posts to follow concerning this matter. But I think I’ve said enough to digest for a while on this one.

What I’ve said I don’t say out of spite or misery.  Because besides the occasional argument me and my wife may have or the observations I listed previously, I’m pretty satisfied with my marriage. We have a good situation going on, according the benchmark set by the current paradigm.

I’m just calling it like I see it. I seek  liberation in and around my life on every level; the status quo doesn’t bother her that much. It is only so far we can go before one of us will have to submit and compromise to keep this ball rolling.

Hopefully it’s not muah. But that’s why we play the game, so to speak.

SMH…that’s a crying shame.

 

 

Peace and Love to my melanated family,

The Melanin Man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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a repost: How This Black Dominatrix Uses Her White Male Clients for ‘Emotional Reparations’

I found this interesting.

 

 

 

Article originally posted on The Huffington Post, by way of Atlanta Blackstar (The entire interview is on The Huffington Post website.)

 

 

 

 

black dominatrix
Mistress Velvet initially began her dominatrix career for financial reasons. (@MissVChicago/Twitter)

 

 

 

A dominatrix is using her career to transform how white men see Black women. In what she describes as an “emotional sense of reparations,” Mistress Velvet employs Black feminist theory to help push her mostly white, male clients from fetishizing Black women to having a deeper understanding.

The Domme’s relationship with her submissive subjects has had profound implications for her clients.

“I describe it as a form of reparations ― not in a systemic way like we’re getting land back, but definitely on an individual level, it provides me with an emotional sense of reparations,” she told The Huffington Post in a Tuesday, Feb. 13 article. “That’s because of the nature of the dynamic ― that [my clients] usually are white men, that they’re straight, and they’re usually pretty well-off to be able to sustain a relationship with a Domme.

“I started to think more about my relationship with them,” the Chicago PhD student continued. “A lot of them were asking questions. Some people were saying, ‘This is really impacting me in terms of how I think outside of our sessions.’ A client said he started to notice he would only hold the door open for Black women. One client started an organization for Black single mothers in the South Side of Chicago.”

Still, Mistress Velvet said she wants more of a drastic shift in her clients and “just allowing them to be submissive” doesn’t always do the job. That’s when she employs Black feminist theory from books like Audre Lorde’s “Sister Outsiders” and Patricia Hill Collins’ “Black Feminist Thought.” The chapter on controlling images is one Mistress Velvet definitely has the men read.

“Then, it’s moving from them simply fetishizing Black women, to realizing: This is a systemic issue I’m contributing to by the virtue of being a white man and being rich,” she said.

“In terms of unpacking their way of fetishizing Black women and stereotypes about Black women, I ask them, ‘Why do you want to be in my presence, why do you find me attractive?’” she added. “And sometimes they might say things that then remind me of stereotypes of Black women ― like a jezebel or something ― so I’ll have them read a piece about how what they said is related to this historic phenomenon about thinking about Black women. I say, ‘Here are its roots. Here’s why it’s problematic.’ That way, I can say, ‘You can idolize me, but we need to have it be done in a way that isn’t also problematic.’”

 

“She’s Gotta Have It”: My Thoughts and Reflections on Black Sexuality in a Eurocentric Paradigm

From the Melanin Man:

Note: This post is not a review of the show entirely, but more of a dialogue on one of the show’s major themes of Black sexuality.

Recently I watched the entire Season 1 of Spike Lee’s modern reboot of She’s Gotta Have It on Netflix. Rarely do I even watch TV let alone binge watch an entire season on anything, yet I was intrigued by Spike Lee’s update of his first-ever feature film, especially since I did watch and enjoyed the original.

For anyone not familiar with the film, the story centers around a beautiful, intelligent young Black Melanin-Dominant woman and budding artist Nola Darling (played by Tracy Camilla Johns in film, DeWanda Wise in the Netflix series) from Brooklyn, NY and the sexual relationships she has with three Black Melanin-Dominant men: the kind-hearted and well-meaning Jamie Overstreet (played by Tommy Redmond Hicks in the film, Lyriq Bent in the Netflix version), the self-absorbed Greer Childs (played by John Canada Terrell in the film, Cleo Anthony in the Netflix version) , and the geeky and callow Mars Blackmon (played by Spike Lee in the film, Anthony Ramos in the Netflix series.) Unlike the film, which came out the same year that I was born in 1986, the Netflix series version expanded upon the world of Nola, all of her quirks and idiosyncrasies, what really makes her tick and tock in her life. Of course, we get to explore more on the backgrounds of her male counterparts as well as her family, friends, and the neighborhood she lives in (Fort Greene, Brooklyn).

As a young man with a gift of the pencil and sketch pad, it was a delightful treat to see Nola’s artistic talents on display, where her art primarily illustrates her perspective on the beauty of Blackness. I admire and respect Black artists (no matter the medium i.e. music, painting, poetry, writing) who are able to freely express themselves without compromising their African-centered perspective. I was glad that Spike Lee (even though he may be an agent) was able to insinuate that in detail in the Netflix series versus the film version. Also, considering that I’m a huge fan of the old-school, I thoroughly enjoyed the soundtrack of timeless R&B melodies that were used in the series.

In regards to the main character Nola Darling, there is very little difference between the film version and Netflix series. Nola was a young and vibrant woman who has no qualms in expressing herself with no holds barred. Whether it’s through her honest transparency with those in her circle, her art, her political and social viewpoints, and especially her sexual exploits, which is the main focus of this post. Nola enjoys the fact that she is able to express herself sexually with multiple men. In the Netflix series, Nola even goes as far as expressing herself sexually with a woman, the understanding and straight-forward Opal Gilstrap (played by Raye Dowell in the film, Ilfenesh Hadera in the Netflix series) whereas in the film she did not even entertain the idea whatsoever.

You can say that in essence Nola fits the definition of a free spirit.

But is she really free?

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Does sexual freedom really signify that an individual is free?

What does sexuality look like for Black people in today’s society?

What does sexuality suppose to look like for the Black community when not subjected to the ideals of the Western European philosophy?

I understand how sex is viewed from the Church’s perspective. Sacred. An embarrassing topic to discuss in public. I also understand how sex is portrayed in the media. A guilty pleasure. Simple recreational fun. The truth is in the middle, I think.

A little personal history:

I honestly never had an interest in casual sex irrespective of the fact that I was raised with a Christian background. To get a little more personal, I never had an interest in masturbation either (knowing what I know now, I’m glad I didn’t.) At the end of the day I could not see myself having sex just for kicks and giggles. Even though the Church (and religion as whole) may be flawed in many, many ways, especially when it comes to the reluctance to discuss and be open-minded regarding sex, I did agree that sex has a sacredness to it that is not fully understood by nor promoted to the masses. I had that cliché, yet noble, idea: waiting for the right one.

There were young women who had eyes for, yet the feeling was not mutual. Nevertheless I stayed steadfast and unmovable to hold out for that right one. And eventually it happened within my mid-20s. And unsurprisingly I married the same woman I first gave myself to, with two daughters in tow.

Life is interesting, ain’t it?

I appreciate and admire that a women, especially a Black woman, such as Nola is able to be open with her sexuality. Trust me, I do not adhere to the tired axiom that a woman who sleeps with multiple men (in Nola’s case, and woman) is “freak” or a “hoe.” Nor do I think men who have multiple partners, WOMEN PARTNERS, are necessarily “players.” The situation is more complex than it seems.

And I’m of the stance that if you lack a knowledge of self and inner love for self, the pursuit of sexual gratification will only lead you even more lost in this civilized wilderness.

In Nola’s case, specifically in the Netflix series, I noticed a insecurity within her spirit that permeated, for instance, through her interactions with her male companions. To protect and keep herself from developing feelings any one of three men, she maintained control by feigning the customary acts of courting and engaging in sex only in her bed. Acts if perpetrated by a man would be frowned upon by the majority of women. Although she show a vulnerability with her female peers, she refuses to do so with the men i.e. her initial refusal to inform them of her sexual assault that occurred in the second episode of the series. Even in the film version, Jamie forcing himself sexually (rape) on Nola was a feeble and ill-advised attempt gain control and submission from Nola that she had been reluctant to relinquish to the men individually.

In my opinion, it illustrates that Nola fears losing her freedom by being in the possession of a man. She mentions her disdain for “being the possession of a man” in both iterations of “She’s Gotta Have It.” Obviously, Nola believes that Black men are of the same ilk as her white males which we know is not the case. Unbeknownst to Nola and those women of her ilk and color who hold that same opinion, Black Melanin-dominant men, in essence, do not have the power to oppress nor possess women of any hue in this society. Black men in this society who attempt to operate in such a manner unknowingly are practicing a doctrine that is against their true nature. Both our men and women are living under a acidic Western, European philosophy that holds ownership and possession sacred, or as its said by the powers-that-be, “possession is nine-tenths of the law.” And whether we realize it or not, that way of thinking affects every facet of our lives: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It appears that Nola is unaware of this, thus demonstrating a lack of knowledge regarding the real social status of her people.

Nola’s behavior reeks of a typical contemporary feminist. She thinks her sexual freedom is proof of an elusive independence that is not available to the Black female today. A woman who is one with the Creator knows that real freedom is rooted in understanding and living out her true feminine nature, which is EVERYTHING that goes against the feminist agenda.

In short, Nola is NOT free as she THINKS she is.

The portrayal of sex in the series, not unlike many other shows that broadcast in this day and age, is counterproductive and spiritually dangerous. The concept of casual sex is stealthy encouraged, as long as precautions are taken i.e. Nola confides with her therapist that she practices safe sex, as well as the “rules” she sets in place for her male lovers. Although sex is natural to our being, to this day the majority of the masses are still lost on what sex is about.

I have had numerous conversations with friends and loved ones who’ve had their share of casual sex experiences. Regarding the physical aspect of the sex, I’ve heard the good, the bad, and the ugly. When it came to the emotional/ spiritual aspect of all those experiences, I noticed a common thread: there wasn’t any. It was purely physical. That’s what I picked up with Nola in her trysts with her male lovers. I could sense a lack of intimacy, a lack of an authentic emotional/spiritual connection. To be frank, Nola had more of a connection with lesbian lover Opal. Due to Nola’s willingness to be more forthcoming and open with female comrades, it makes sense.

If we are to adhere to the rules of Nature, we should know that coitus (sexual intercourse) cannot exist between two individuals of the same sex, even if the encounter between Nola and Opal seemed genuine and loving. It’s veiled masturbation at its finest. Due to the emotional/spiritual connection Nola lacks with either Jamie, Greer, or Mars, you can classify these relationships with Jamie as such as well. In a nutshell, that is what causal sex is.

From a metaphysical standpoint, sex is not only an physical expression, but also a spiritual act, where the male and feminine principle entities intertwine for an energy exchange. The energy an individual can receive can be positive or negative. None of this information is taken to account when sex is casual.

Sidenote: I highly recommend getting the book The Science of Love by John Baines. Although the book is over twenty years old, it does a great job of explaining this information in detail.

Yet casual sex has been widely accepted as the norm.

When sex is only based on the physical realm, it can be animalistic, impulsive, detached, and self-serving. That is how Nola unintentionally (or intentionally) is depicted, hence the term “She’s Gotta Have It.” Her male partners are not exempt from scrutiny, but since the show is based off the female perspective, the focus is on her.

Blacks have adopted a perverted concept of sexuality from the Western, European doctrine that has aided in the destruction and degradation of our community. We all know the story: the increase of single parent homes, sexual transmitted diseases (STDS), contentious relations between Black men woman in general, etc., etc., etc. And I believe all these calamities have their origin on the spiritual realm. Blacks are by nature spiritual whereas the Western, European idea of sex lacks that element. When Blacks engage in sexual activities minus that spiritual component, we get the previously stated results.

Simple cause and effect, which is a important principle of Nature.

Another Sidenote: Also read The Kybalion. It discusses the seven main principles of Nature, also called the Hermetic Principles, which is what the book The Science of Love is based off of. (FYI, the great heralded philosopher Hermes, which is who the principles are named after, studied in Egypt for many years. So of course this information was first discovered by our fellow Black Melanin-Dominant ancestors.)

By and large, the white, European, Caucasian is an individualist by nature. Blacks operate as a collective by nature, although we are encouraged against that by seen and unseen forces. When Blacks can live in a situation where we can truly walk and operate in our nature, sexuality can be very beneficial and life-giving (not life-taking) for both male and female, especially when spirituality is involved. They will not feel the need to possess one another nor feel threatened whatsoever of the possibility that a mate/lover has a genuine connection with another. All forms of relationships that adheres to principles of nature (i.e. monogamy, polygamy) will be celebrated, respected, and accepted. But this is only possible when Black men and women understand their truth and THE TRUTH, thus loving their culture and ultimately themselves.

Sounds like illusions of grandeur, huh?!

Then you underestimate the power we truly have if and when we decide to get our act together.

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To sum it all up, neither the film or Netflix version of “She’s Gotta Have It” is revolutionary to Blacks (Duh, right?!) Although it may be odd and refreshing to see a Black woman so “open-minded” about her sexuality, it is the same attempt, in 1986 and 2017, for women think that they can what act as a man and even do it better. Feminism has been on the forefront longer that I’ve been on this earth, yet I understand the game that is being played on our women. As a Black man I don’t condone a lifestyle of Western-influenced casual sex, no matter the gender, that is basically fruitless and devastating to the physical and spiritual realms our people. We as a whole do not have a self-identity, so it is useless to portray a reality (on the TE-LIES-VISION for that matter!) that we can’t fully practice in the mindset of Eurocentricism.

So, thank you Spike Lee for continuing the narrative of Black feminism (that’s an oxymoron!), veiled as “Black female empowerment.”

Stay on your Ps and Qs fam. Deception is at a ALL-TIME HIGH!

Peace and Love to my melanated family,

The Melanin Man

One final note: At one time I thought Spike Lee was a revolutionary director. I loved his work because it caused me to think and it appeared unapologetically Black. His work still causes me to think, which is what sparked me to write this LONG ASS POST. But I’ve gotten wiser over the years as well, and my opinions have obviously changed. I still have mad respect for my brother and his accomplishments, but as we know for those of us who are in the spotlight, he and his work have been COMPROMISED!

Such as life, such as life.